If there’s anything that makes me almost as mad as hearing tales of child abuse, it’s stories of child neglect.
And I’m not even talking about the extreme physical neglect like starving them etc.. (which I file under child abuse), but rather, emotional neglect. Having a kid is definitely not easy. It’s worse than owning a puppy because you cannot leave your baby at home alone while you go to work and just monitor him/her via a video-link or something. And, you cannot (ok SHOULD NOT) leash your baby/toddler outside your house with just a bowl of water and blanket for comfort. Children NEED to be loved. Just like any human being does. I’m just mad because many people now think of kids as a bother, as troublesome, and entities to be tolerated because “we’re supposed to have kids”, “I just wanted to get my parents/relatives off my back about having kids”.
That’s why I believe, if you really think you cannot tolerate having a kid, then don’t. BUT, if you somehow ended up with one, then make the best of the life you’ve been given. Don’t shirk your responsibility. Grandparents are there to HELP, not to be taken advantage of and treated like slaves. They’ve already had a lifetime of taking care of you, so don’t push your children to them to care for 100%. Your child need YOU. I’m just riled because I met a rather large toddler who could barely walk and just lolled around drooling at the playground. I asked the maid with him how old he was and she said 18months – but she then qualified that the poor boy had until recently only ever stayed at home with the babysitter and didn’t do anything but sleep and eat! He couldn’t talk or anything but thankfully the parents wised up and hired this very gung-ho maid who was obviously very encouraging and teaching him to talk, play on the slides and walk. Another more recent story I heard of was an 8-month old baby who has NEVER LEFT THE HOUSE as yet?! He’s never gone out anywhere with his parents and has only ever stayed upstairs in his very large expensive house, with his grandmother. Apparently his parents say they have no time to take him out.
My point is, if you’ve already given birth to your child, you jolly well treasure him/her. Yes, making a living is important, but it is not the end-all. It is just a means to an end.
The Singapore government has been desperately trying to make Singaporeans reproduce – our national birth rate is very low and declining. To me, the problem is changing the mindsets of young Singaporeans. No amount of incentives is going to change what their underlying values are, I’m sorry. If most affluent working adults who are of child-bearing age value their affluence, their time, their freedom, their enjoyment, their travels, their money, their job, their way of life more than the possibility of personal growth through raising a child, then we will never arrive at a solution. It’s a viscious cycle because we are told in Singapore that we have to raise (work) productivity levels, do more, be more efficient, smart, competitive and bring in the money, because WE HAVE NO NATURAL RESOURCES! We only have people and die lah, we are nothing if we don’t aim to be the best and bring in as much money and investments to our little island as possible! I know this is very true to a certain extent. We are a country that relies heavily on our human resource, but we forget that if the soul of the human is so bereft of joy and a sense of purpose then we are just gonna be robots with a lot of psychological problems.
My take is that sometimes we just have to learn that it’s ok not to make so much money. More importantly, that sometimes you have to sacrifice money to get something better. Sacrifice is a word that is rather taboo, I feel in today’s society because everyone wants to have it all, and everyone has the OPTION NOT to choose sacrifice. If I don’t want to sacrifice my lifestyle of being able to buy luxury goods on a whim, I’ll just divorce my stupid husband who is unable to earn enough money. (I read this somewhere actually – some poor guy said that his wife just chose to quit their marriage cos he lost his job.) And many couples are just not willing to sacrifice their lifestyle to have kids. Which is really their choice and I guess that is waay better than caving in to pressure and having kids, and then end up neglecting them! The bottom line is, loving involves sacrifice. And it’s rarer and rarer to find this these days, so much so that if you are the rare one who does, you’re deemed old-fashioned, a doormat, or a poor unliberated sod.
Take marriage roles as an example. I had a very interesting chat with my mother a while ago and she was recalling how in the past, fathers were not expected to help out in the home/with the kids at all. She said that she used to carry my sister and I even though it was tiring during holidays, and she’d cook and clean at home (even after a hard day’s work in the office), and she DIDN’T SEEM TO MIND. She said it was the norm, and she didn’t expect my Dad to help out. If he did, it was a bonus. But she said that she NOW got mad at him if he was lazing around watching tv or surfing the net while she was busy running the home. She was wondering what has changed, and I told her that it’s because society’s expectations has changed. I’m now the freak amongst women in Singapore society who has stayed at home (by choice) to look after my daughter for the past 3+ years, and that only after working full-time for 3 years in the corporate world. Yes, I do want to go back to work eventually, but I’m afraid that by the time I do, I’ll be too old, and while my peers-in-age are already Directors and VPs, I’ll still be the lowly executive serving coffee. Worse still, I’ll end up with office peers who are fresh graduates and I’ll be the very weird ‘aunty’ personality with no friends.
That said though, I don’t regret staying home at all. I see the benefits it has brought not only to my daughter’s development, but to my family life and even extended family life. It has also helped my spiritual life, emotional strength and even physical health. Strangely, I’ve become more convinced that if we are willing to walk in the role that God meant for us to take as women ie: the helper, we gain immeasurable joy because we are not against his will. This requires a lot more expounding, but I think it’ll take too long. But the gist of it is that God has always upheld equality between the sexes. He has always valued men and women equally, but just gave us different roles to play. So when you are a parent, you play a role that requires you to take responsibility for this very pliable piece of clay that you’re given. You need to nuture it, grow it and hopefully build your child up to learn to respect you and others and love others as well. And in that process, you need to sacrifice.
I’ve definitely said more than ‘my 5 cents worth’, but I just wanted to get it off my chest and I think that’s what a personal blog is for. I have not qualified my statements in an airtight manner bcos I”m not writing a paper, but if you do take issue with anything, pls feel free to leave a comment, as long as u are being rational and not just trying to be silly. Thanks!
